Sup dawgs. My name is Muffin.

I’m 13 and a half years young and I’m the best fifty dollars my momma ever spent.

I love tennis balls, laser pointers, flashlights, and water spraying from water hoses. But now that I’m a bit older I like simpler things such as comfy beds and blankets, watching my momma bring snacks to me (I don’t even have to get up for them), and still…my tennis ball. Tennis balls are my crack. And my cocaine. Let’s face it, tennis balls are fuzzy neon heaven.

I have all kinds of funky happening on my body. It’s been a lifelong battle for my momma. I have allergies that make me itchy, so I like to rub all the hair off my back. And because my skin is freakishly oily, I can produce some serious stank. Because of the oily epidermis, my thick black coat is always gross feeling and stanky. Whenever I go outside during the hot summer weather, all the oils and funky and stanky cook up over every square inch of my body to generate a really nasty and smelly goo that singes the nose hairs off anybody in a one mile radius.

But I don’t let this get me down. My momma just gives me medicine and vitamins and it keeps the funky and the stanky under control. Mostly. Don’t misunderstand….I’m still funky and stanky. But it could be a lot worse. In fact, whenever the funky and the stanky are at an all time high, people look at me like I’ll eat their children.

But you know what??!?! My momma loves me anyway.

My most favorite hobbies include making other dogs submit to me and humping them like a boy dog once they realize I am their God. Unless, of course, it’s my sister. She weighs 20 pounds less than me, but she has more damn feisty in her veins than a Grizzly bear protecting a cub. She’s totally the boss in our house.

I also really love it to a crazy degree when people scratch my tummy. I kick my leg. Tummy scratching is the best drug in the world. Well, maybe tennis balls are the best drug. I’ll have to think about that.

In my younger years, I really enjoyed helping to enforce the rules of the house. If another animal (such as a dog or cat) was getting in trouble by my parents, I would go up to that animal and bite them on the ass until they did what my momma or daddy told them to do. Unless, of course, said animal was my sister. I don’t mess with her. Again, she’s feisty. And she kind of hates me. She thinks I’ll steal momma away from her.

If a cat jumped up on a counter, I would try to catch them with my teeth when they came back down. Dumbasses. If they wouldn’t get on the counter, I wouldn’t have to bite them on the head mid-jump to teach them a lesson.

It’s very unfortunate that my sister and I both lost our hearing awhile back due to an infection we got in our ears. So I don’t hear the cat get in trouble anymore, but I still like to chase him every once in a while to keep him in line.

I also have arthritis, so I don’t move as fast or as much as I used to, but as long as momma gives me my medicine, I can still kick some ass.

Two of my favorite nicknames are: The Muffinator and The Enforcer. I was given these names for being so good at enforcing the house rules. The other animals quaked with fear when in my presence. The really stupid ones even pee themselves. Except for my sister. That scrawny girl isn’t scared of me in the least. She has made it clear that she owns my momma, and the area immediately around my momma. If momma touches it, she owns it. But that’s ok. I’m used to her, and I know my momma loves me too.

Now don’t misunderstand. I‘m not mean. I’m just really smart, and super awesome, and therefore it angers me when other animals does stupid things and acts in un-awesome ways. I don’t hurt them, I just intimidate them and educate them.

Also…..I like to chew on my feet, HARD, and make loud moaning noises as I gnaw. And I like to scratch my ears, really slowly, and moan when I do that too. Momma thinks it’s funny.

And lastly, one of my ears is floppy, and the other stands straight up (see pic). And my tail doesn’t bend. At all. It’s straight as an arrow. In fact, it kinda hurts if somebody tries to make my tail bend. My momma thinks these things just make me more perfect.

I must sleep now.

Unless you need me to teach your pet the house rules. I’ll have them whipped into shape in no time.